It’s the eternal, infernal struggle: the argument about which version of a game is better across various platforms. Sadly, despite the presence of logic, reason, and painstakingly laborious pixel counting machines, there’s always someone willing to bawl out a stupid rebuttal as to why their version is still better. So, in order to head such tosh off at the pass, here’s our own demented, illogical reasoning as to why Duke could unmistakeably better with Kinect. We welcome your responses.

4. You can actually use the kick function

Those of you old enough to remember the nineties without the need to consult dreary Channel 4 ‘I love the…’ coma-fests or asking your parents will appreciate just how massive Duke Nukem 3D was. What even those people probably won’t remember is the Duke kicking can-can animation, where everyone’s favourite dumbass could run and, er, kick his leg out at the same time. How he does this is never exactly explained, but we’ll paraphrase one of Ritchie from Bottom’s lines: ‘That’s not his leg in there’

Anyway, now you can attempt this extraordinary level of athleticism in the comfort of your tiny hovel, safe in the knowledge that ‘yes, it’s fine, Kinect works in small rooms! That’s why we always show it off in areas bigger than the bloody millennium dome’. Just don’t expect to have a TV after it’s all done. Or any dignity.

3. You could actually give money to strippers and then dance with them

Listen, controllers are passe. Finished. DONE. There’s no point in pressing a simple button to get things done when you could stand up and actually make the motion, otherwise those short lived ‘remote controls’ that everyone remembers would have had a longer lifespan. Is there anything that could make you feel more like Duke than actually making the motion of handing over grubby, cocaine-and-fear stained bank notes to a scared and feeble woman before dancing awkwardly with them, then we’re yet to fathom it, and we’d wager you are too.  As an added bonus, IMAGINE if anyone saw you doing this.

2. You could use Kinect’s voice commands to utter Duke’s legendary insults

One of the main problems with the console versions of Duke 3D was that the controllers (see, told you these things were done) generally didn’t have the nine hundred thousand inputs that a keyboard has, sadly meaning that the pre-stocked insults of the PC version were, on console, triggered by the game as opposed to the user.

Kinect renders this worry obsolete, and what a relief it is. Now you can spend all day shouting dirty phrases like ‘I’m going to rip your head off, and shit down your neck’, or any other combination of random expletives and childish threats of violence all day long, like a day spent walking around Hull. As an aside, anyone who has ever played a game of Halo or CoD online should be well versed in exactly how to form these stinging barbs.

1. You could actually defecate down someone’s neck

Ok, here us out. We know it sounds crazy, but can you actually imagine a better way to ‘be’ Duke (apart from number 3 of course), than when after defeating the biggest boss of the game, you have to proudly do the business right there and then on the shag pile, with Kinect picking up all of the grisly details and congratulating you coldly, like a kinky version of HAL? We dare the game to get anywhere near this level of ingenuity, but fear that the loyal PlayStation lot, stuck with their tiny magic wands, would cry into their miserable collection of inferior ports. Zing!

Of course we don’t actually believe any of this, nor do we actually endorse it. Except maybe number 2. As in the second-highest entry into the list, not the action described in number one. But come on, multiplatform gaming is becoming boring. Give us some variety, yeah?

The Deal’s views are never those of X360 magazine, or an sane human being for that matter

In the most exciting news since, well, this time last month, we’re pleased to announce X360 issue 63 is out today. That’s right now, in other words!

Featured this month is a world exclusive look at Call Of Duty: Black Ops, besides previews of Halo: Reach, Star Wars: The Force Unleashed II and Enslaved.

On the reviews table are Mafia II, H.A.W.X. 2, R.U.S.E, Kane & Lynch 2, Madden NFL, plus more. Yes, that’s right, more!

Head to ‘all good newsagents’ to check it out!

You know that theory which goes that each of us is born with the memories, thoughts and actions of our ancestors locked deep within us? You know, the one that forms the central core of a thousand terrible novels? Well, its influence is practically certain so far as Popcap’s concerned.

Clearly, every member of its extensive development team must have had long distant relatives in the middle ages practising alchemy, such is the consistence with which the studio turns base gameplay connects into purest gold.

After all, Plants vs Zombies is merely a simplistic tower defence game, at heart. Pitting the player against hordes of brain-hungry undead, it offers a challenge every inch as addictive and infinitely more nuanced than their notable other time thief, Peggle.

Balanced carefully so as not to overwhelm, the array of weaponry bursting from virtual tool sheds steadily builds into a compendium that just keeps on revealing hidden nuances.

Through the almost total turnabout that occurs once sunlight (your currency) leaves play, or more manic minigames that play more like side-scrolling shooter than strategy epic, it’s difficult to imagine a Live Arcade title that offers gret value. Except perhaps N+, only this title leaves you less susceptible to mind-bending rage.

The cliché often goes that a videogame of true quality would possess features that endear it to fans outside of its chosen genre – a statement that’s pretty apt, in this instance.

Buy, kiss your life goodbye, then prepare to buy it again on PC, just as those around X360 towers already lucky enough to have tried this have sworn to do in reverse.

As the dust settles on the news that Gearbox is resuscitating the bloated corpse of gaming’s most beloved misogynist, the internet is still ablaze with debate, opinion and good old fashioned spite regarding the biggest comeback since Elvis ’68.

There seems to be two schools of thought. The first is that Duke Nukem as both character and game is nothing more than an outdated and terrible indictment of videogaming’s past that we would do well to avoid returning to. On the other hand it’s billed as a fun, almost kitsch throwback that recalls straight up accessibility and arcade sensibilities without the convoluted modern trappings of the genre.

Both of these are wrong, in their own special way.

What both sides seem to forget is that when Duke 3D launched it was a genuinely innovative game, featuring unrivaled interactivity, awesome map design, and imaginative use of (kind of) 3D space that complemented Duke’s abilities. Even now, elements of the game stand out from the FPS pack: using the jetpack, swimming through a submerged city, being on the fault line of an earthquake as it happens and, of course, shooting through the cinema screen.  These were topped off with the oft-remembered good-natured self-reflexivity and humour (‘ain’t got time to play with myself’), and all of these elements combined to form a title that took the still-nascent FPS genre and expand the possibilities of what it could do.

But that was then, and this, as you probably know, is now. Gaming has moved on, this much is true, but Duke Nukem Forever shouldn’t be immediately discarded on the basis of its long development nor of either these nostalgic memories or ignorant tirades aimed at its predecessor.

Gamers get a bad rap for being ‘immature’, and our pastime is often denounced as childish, but Duke’s enduring legacy isn’t the strippers or puns. They augment the fine gaming experience, not form it, as the shoddy PS1-era spin offs prove.

Most gamers are quite savvy when it comes down to this sort of thing, and titillation alone won’t keep us interested (otherwise we’d all be looking forward to BMX XXX 2). If anyone can pull Duke into the modern age, recall Duke 3D’s superb mechanics and sense of a solid, three-dimensional world that you explore rather than just observe, it’s Gearbox, but it needs to tread carefully.

The company will, given the release date, probably polish up the work done by 3D Realms and get it out the door. Unless there’s been a miracle, this undoubtedly won’t be good enough, and Forever will resemble Stallone’s The Expendables, an exercise in nostalgia that misses the point entirely. But if Gearbox pours even a single ounce of its own creativity into either Forever or its inevitable sequel, then expect a triumphant return for a man who would be king, because, as much as the haters want you to think otherwise, Duke 3D had the brains as well as the brawn. With Gearbox behind the franchise now, we expect the same from future titles in the series.

Shake it baby.

As the dust settles on the news that Gearbox is resuscitating the bloated corpse of gaming’s most beloved misogynist, the internet is still ablaze with debate, opinion and good old fashioned spite regarding the biggest comeback since Elvis ’68.

There seems to be two schools of thought. The first is that Duke Nukem as both character and game is nothing more than an outdated and terrible indictment of videogaming’s past that we would do well to avoid returning to. On the other hand it’s billed as a fun, almost kitsch throwback that recalls straight up accessibility and arcade sensibilities without the convoluted modern trappings of the genre.

Both of these are wrong, in their own special way.

What both sides seem to forget is that when Duke 3D launched it was a genuinely innovative game, featuring unrivaled interactivity, awesome map design, and imaginative use of (kind of) 3D space that complemented Duke’s abilities. Even now, elements of the game stand out from the FPS pack: using the jetpack, swimming through a submerged city, being on the fault line of an earthquake as it happens and, of course, shooting through the cinema screen.  These were topped off with the oft-remembered good-natured self-reflexivity and humour (‘ain’t got time to play with myself’), and all of these elements combined to form a title that took the still-nascent FPS genre and expand the possibilities of what it could do.

But that was then, and this, as you probably know, is now. Gaming has moved on, this much is true, but Duke Nukem Forever shouldn’t be immediately discarded on the basis of its long development nor of either these nostalgic memories or ignorant tirades aimed at its predecessor.

Gamers get a bad rap for being ‘immature’, and our pastime is often denounced as childish, but Duke’s enduring legacy isn’t the strippers or puns. They augment the fine gaming experience, not form it, as the shoddy PS1-era spin offs prove.

Most gamers are quite savvy when it comes down to this sort of thing, and titillation alone won’t keep us interested (otherwise we’d all be looking forward to BMX XXX 2). If anyone can pull Duke into the modern age, recall Duke 3D’s superb mechanics and sense of a solid, three-dimensional world that you explore rather than just observe, it’s Gearbox, but it needs to tread carefully.

The company will, given the release date, probably polish up the work done by 3D Realms and get it out the door. Unless there’s been a miracle, this undoubtedly won’t be good enough, and Forever will resemble Stallone’s The Expendables, an exercise in nostalgia that misses the point entirely. But if Gearbox pours even a single ounce of its own creativity into either Forever or its inevitable sequel, then expect a triumphant return for a man who would be king, because, as much as the haters want you to think otherwise, Duke 3D had the brains as well as the brawn. With Gearbox behind the franchise now, we expect the same from future titles in the series.

Shake it baby.

5) Blur

Though it did the eventual title no good at all, with sales rumoured to be under a quarter of a million, we quite enjoyed how succinctly it summed up the whole idea. It’s like Mario Kart, but, y’know, good. It’s a shame more didn’t agree…

4) Gears Of War

For a videogame featuring the slaying of meatheads by some other ones, Gears’ notorious ‘Mad World’ spot thrilled and haunted in equal measure. What’s more, it propelled its score to the top of iTunes’ chart.

3) Red Dead Redemption

Well, any developer with the will to shoot a half-hour ‘short film’ featuring in-game technology, get a Hollywood director in the form of John Hillcoat to direct it and screen the result on television deserves its place here.

2) Resident Evil 3

Developers of mature videogames do face somewhat of a challenge, so far as appealing to its core 18-30 market is concerned. After all, stick a decapitation into Super Sunday football and you’re in instant hot water.

The solution? To pen a warning pointing out how a single frame of action is all they can show, then tantalisingly flash it across the screen. Genius…

1) Halo: Reach

Naturally, Microsoft’s latest offering tops our list, offering that crucial emotional hook to complement those anonymous Spartans, with their masks and indiscriminate violence. Basically, it’s the entire game in the space of one on-screen minute. We could make a joke here, but frankly have welled up too much. Sniff.

So, what are your favourites?

5) Blur

Though it did the eventual title no good at all, with sales rumoured to be under a quarter of a million, we quite enjoyed how succinctly it summed up the whole idea. It’s like Mario Kart, but, y’know, good. It’s a shame more didn’t agree…

4) Gears Of War

For a videogame featuring the slaying of meatheads by some other ones, Gears’ notorious ‘Mad World’ spot thrilled and haunted in equal measure. What’s more, it propelled its score to the top of iTunes’ chart.

3) Red Dead Redemption

Well, any developer with the will to shoot a half-hour ‘short film’ featuring in-game technology, get a Hollywood director in the form of John Hillcoat to direct it and screen the result on television deserves its place here.

2) Resident Evil 3

Developers of mature videogames do face somewhat of a challenge, so far as appealing to its core 18-30 market is concerned. After all, stick a decapitation into Super Sunday football and you’re in instant hot water.

The solution? To pen a warning pointing out how a single frame of action is all they can show, then tantalisingly flash it across the screen. Genius…

1) Halo: Reach

Naturally, Microsoft’s latest offering tops our list, offering that crucial emotional hook to complement those anonymous Spartans, with their masks and indiscriminate violence. Basically, it’s the entire game in the space of one on-screen minute. We could make a joke here, but frankly have welled up too much. Sniff.

So, what are your favourites?

Afternoon all! A thought occurred to your reporter during this weekend’s gaming, as he contemplated climbing the mountain that is Bayonetta once more. Specifically, games designed for gamers aren’t worth the dic they’re etched into.

Confused? You should be – but the crux of the point is simple. Over the last ten or fifteen years, a greater proportion of the gaming market has grown accustomed to shorter campaigns, simpler controls and, in short, ease beyond their wildest dreams.

So much so that even us hardened journalists, familiar with gaming’s occasionally dark arts, are occasionally unprepared to persevere through some punishing mechanic put in place with the sole purpose of keeping one set of players out and locking others in.

Your reporter gave up on the largely excellent Bayonetta somewhere just past its halfway point, tired of saving himself into near-impossible situations because a decision was taken somewhere along the line to not remind players of what they’ll need to take on a challenge they’re not currently aware of.

The, again brilliant (and not entirely cerebral) Dead Rising does its best to fall into this partiular bear trap, among others we’d like to mention if our temper allowed. The heart of the matter, though, is this: don’t punish gamers for crimes they haven’t committed. Please.

Afternoon all! A thought occurred to your reporter during this weekend’s gaming, as he contemplated climbing the mountain that is Bayonetta once more. Specifically, games designed for gamers aren’t worth the dic they’re etched into.

Confused? You should be – but the crux of the point is simple. Over the last ten or fifteen years, a greater proportion of the gaming market has grown accustomed to shorter campaigns, simpler controls and, in short, ease beyond their wildest dreams.

So much so that even us hardened journalists, familiar with gaming’s occasionally dark arts, are occasionally unprepared to persevere through some punishing mechanic put in place with the sole purpose of keeping one set of players out and locking others in.

Your reporter gave up on the largely excellent Bayonetta somewhere just past its halfway point, tired of saving himself into near-impossible situations because a decision was taken somewhere along the line to not remind players of what they’ll need to take on a challenge they’re not currently aware of.

The, again brilliant (and not entirely cerebral) Dead Rising does its best to fall into this partiular bear trap, among others we’d like to mention if our temper allowed. The heart of the matter, though, is this: don’t punish gamers for crimes they haven’t committed. Please.

There are 200 gamerpoints up for grabs in Playdead’s excellent Limbo: 5 of those you’ll get from walking backwards and squashing some eggs at the start, a very reasonable 100 points are scored for spending several thoroughly enjoyable hours completing the game. But 10 gamerpoints come from an achievement that’s harder to nail than plastic rawl plug through an iron girder – that is to say, it’s harder than all the rest put together.

All you have to do is complete the game in one sitting with five or less deaths. Which is fine, yes? You’ve probably completed the game once before you even thought about trying this achievement – at least, we recommend  you complete it first without trying for this achievement to save abject disappointment. You know what’s coming, so it shouldn’t be a problem. That should hold true for few hours through the forest and much of the town area, where you can probably get away with dying no more than once or twice, but you’re heading into trouble in the factory: those buzzsaws are a nightmare, plus all that topsy-turvy gravity stuff takes real skill to navigate even when you know how to complete each puzzle.

Unfortunately convention dictates that games get harder the further you progress, so you’ll have to breeze through the first couple of hours just to make it to the real challenge of this achievement. I’ve tried and failed at this twice but to be honest, striving for the No Point In Dying achievement isn’t as much a pain as it sounds, because navigating a lethal obstacle course in the knowledge that you have a limited number of tries is a real thrill. It punishes you with the sadism of an eighties platform game, which in a gaming world of checkpoints and sugar-coated assists, is refreshing – I’d recommend any Limbo player to at least give it a go.